It was a hot afternoon. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky."Tim, did you win any medal in sports day?" I said boastfully. Tim shook his head. " Haha, look at my shiny gold medal,"I said boastfully, boasting my medal in front of Tim's face. Tim and I are neighbours.We were drinking our favourite drink of Coke.Our faces are covered in sweat of perspiration. Together, we both stepped out of the lift at the 7th floor and walked to our unit. When I walked past Tim's house, there was a loud ear piercing crash.
"It's coming from your house," Tim whispered to me. "Be quiet, I am trying to see what is going on," I replyed in a soft voice .I tiped toe and look through the door hole. To my utter horror, I saw Mr.Lee lying on the floor in a pool of blood and Mrs Lin sitting on a chair tied to a rope. There was also a man wearing a black shirt , pants and a mask. The atmosqhere was tense. Extremely tense. I scrutinized his mask and physique closely. There was sense of familarity. Bingo! It was Ah Tong, the most notorious robber in the neighbourhood.He was as fierce as a lion. Wild thoughts started racing though my mind. "What did you see?" Tim asked. We got to go now," I replied ina soft voice.
Suddenly, the door creaked open. It was too late, he saw us. We dashed at breakneck speed down the staircase. I did not turned behind, so as Tim. We made it to the ground floor, but we were still running. Being the best runner in school, my stamina was still high. Tim was behind me still running. I turned my head around, Ah Tong and Tim was not in my sight."Where is Tim? I think he is captured by Ah Tong," I said to myself. My heart skipped a beat, I stood rooted to the ground trembling like a leaf, not knowing what to do. Fear sezied me.
After a while, I regain my consciousness. Gathering up all my courage, i decided to take a risk. A very big risk to save my best friend Tim. I walked slowly to my HDB flat and pushed the lift button. My hands began to sweat. I began nervous. I look though the door hole again, there he was, Tim.Amazingly, he was trying to untie himself and broke free without letting Ah Tong seeing him. Again, gathering every last ounce of courage, I opened the door. Immediately, I ran towards Ah Tong with my hands swinging in the air trying to punch him.
Ah Tong saw it comming and dodge the punch and used his knife to cutmy arms and legs. I was in pain, there was no way I could escape. "Sorry Tim," I said while tears started to flow down my rosy cheeks. Ah Tong started advancing towards me and I knew it was the and of my life. I shut my eyes and waited. One second passed. I waited.Two second passed. i waited and waited for my death.Three seconds passed.. Then, there was a scuffle and a loud scream. I opened my eyes immediately.
To my utter horror, I saw Tim lying motionless on the floor. The knife was planted on his chest and blood started to flow out from his chest. Ah Tong was lying stiffly beside Tim . I ran towards Tim. "I am glad you are alright, best friend,"he muttered between breath. "
"Please don't go, Tim! Please don't die," I begged him with misery filled my heart. Tears started to flow out uncontrollably. Tim gave me a weak smile and closed his eyes. The sound of sirens filled the air as the police cars and ambulance to a halt downstairs My HDB flat. Soon, the policemen reached Tim's house. One of them untied Mrs Lin,she was crying her heart out. The paramedics brought Mr. Lee , Tim and me to the ambulance.
I would never forget how Tim risked his life to safe me. Tim would rather sacrifice his life for me than to sit there and watch me die. Thank you, best friend!
I can see effort in the plot but not in the paragraphing of the dialogues and events.
ReplyDeletePlot has a lot of missing links and illogical parts but generally I see a climax with actions and emotions. That's good effort on your part.
a) "It's coming from your house," Tim whispered to me. "Be quiet, I am trying to see what is going on," I replyed in a soft voice
So whose house was burglarized? Was it yours or Tim?
b)It doesn't make sense for Ah Tong to chase both of you down the stairs. He was wearing a mask and he is easily identified by passers-by. Furthermore, he won't be stupid enough to catch Tim and bring him back to the house. He knew that you would have called the police. If I were Ah Tong, I would have run off.
You got to fix that logic there. Perhaps you should consider not being noticed by Ah Tong but both of you hatch a plan how to rescue the victims instead. While creeping into the house, there's where the scuffle happens. You need to create more dialogues between the characters so that reader can hear their feelings and tone of voices. Don't write everything in narrative in the climax. Dialogues are very powerful with actions and emotions.
d) After a while, I regain my consciousness
Did you faint at all?
e)"Sorry Tim," I said while tears started to flow down my rosy cheeks. Ah Tong started advancing towards me and I knew it was the and of my life.
There's no Tim's voice nor the other Victims. Strange that they seem to be out of the picture. They were not gagged so why can't they talk during this scene when you were attacked.
Try to use your own method to build suspense instead of using my style. Or else there's no originality.
f) Why is there no new phrases that was used. Mostly were all from me. Where are your own?
g)Who called the police? While you were crying for Tim, where is Ah Tong? He seemed to have disappeared from the scene.
Lots of missing links and I want to see new phrases used from your own treasure book.
Improve on it and let me read again. If you fix those links and work on my suggestion, you can easily get content 15 marks.
Check your language errors.
Ok, I will miss chia
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